Like I said before, I am the daughter of a baby momma. But I did not come from that "type" of family. Before all of you start saying what do you mean that "type" of family; every one of you knows that there is a stigma that families that have "baby mommas" are either ghetto or trailer park trash. Hey don't get mad at me I'm only saying what you all won't say.
But back to me the type of families that I come from are on my mothers side a grandmother and grandfather that worked hard, they were one of the first black couples to be a member of the country club in our neighborhood; they had a 5 bedroom home and 8 children that were all on there way to college. My mother was the second daughter to be born to the family and the 6th child born overall, she went to tap lessons, ballet lessons, piano lessons, she was a member of the church choir with 3 solos a month. My grandfather was a deacon of the church, my grandmother was the church secretary, and on any bored that you could think of. My father was the son of a military man and a at home mother, he went to a private school, he was on the basketball team, he played football, he was an usher at his church and he and all five of his brothers went on to join the military like my grandfather. The ladies were ladies, and the men were men, the women cooked snd cleaned and made them lunch at home, and the men went to work, mowed the lawns, and went to there poker night at the club. Families in there neighborhoods strived to be like them, to model there stong black family after my grandparents families.
My mother was 17 an my father was 19 in 1974, so yes we are talking about the bell bottoms, Afro's, platforms, tight pants, and excessive make-up! Go ahead get the picture if you were not born then you have seen a movie with the 70's theme, my mother was the beloved little sister to 5 big brothers and she was in love with this tall handsome boy, that all the girls wanted. They were told not to see each other but like all teenagers that are told to not do something they snuck and did it anyway, and then one day in her junior year of high school his senior year she was pregnant! Silly, naive, bossy, scared and pregnant! She wanted to get married to not be the "family embarrassment", but pregnant or not my father had a plan and the plan did not include being married to my mother, and raising me. His family supported him and my mothers family did what any family with a single unwed mother does I guess they made her feel extreme and unrelenting shame! The type of shame that you live with for the rest of your life, the type of shame that no matter what you do for the rest of your life to live that down; you still feel that shame. My father joined the military and left town, my mother stayed and carried me and lived under a cloud shame, and anger and regret.
See my mother was and is the type of woman that will NEVER admit wrong out loud she will just do whatever is necessary to make you wrong (even if you are right) so she was alone trying to take care of a baby broken hearted, because she truly loved my father and she truly would have been a wife to him for the rest of her days and his. She was alone heartbroken, angry and shamed and trying to graduate from high school. So I think bitter is the polite way of saying she was and is hurt and PISSED OFF
Now by now I am sure you are thinking what does this have to do with what you started to say at the beginning of all of this? Well my point is; that while I am all for taking advice from your elders and learning from those that are older than you trying to teach you. Hey I have children and I say to my son all the time "I know more than you, I have been here longer just trust me!" I found in my "Adventures of the Nightmare Baby Momma" experience, that not all the time does "listen to your elders" apply, because if you are listening to a bitter, angry, hurt baby momma that never really got any resolution to there "situation" some of there advice may be tainted with there own need to get back at the person that hurt them. So this leaves you exacting revenge on the father of your child that actually has nothing to do with him.
So what does this mean? Well I said at the beginning of this, that I am going to keep it real and I am. The advice that I got from my mother was, "we don't have abortions in this family", "you have embarrassed me and your father"(stepfather), "It's him or us", "You need to go get on welfare so the county will get you child support", "I do not want him around my grandson", "have you gotten any child support?" "he does not need him", "he is not a daddy he is a sperm donor." And on and on and on, don't talk and come to an understanding, he is crying for his daddy but he will get over it, he has to pay to see him, he left you so he doesn't love either of you, he won't take care of him, you may never get your child back if you let him go with him!
At first I did every thing she said; well with a little twist I don't know if you all can tell but I do have a pretty interesting thought process of my own. I was going to court and screaming and yelling, fighting, calling names, you name it I was doing it. He was not there for his birth, and I kept my son in the room with me so that he could not go to the nursery to see him he was going to have to go through me! He missed his first birthday party not because he did not try to be with him but because he was not allowed to see him. And threw all this all the drama, my son was crying and feeling horrible, he was torn, he was begging me to be with his dad. "Please mommy I want to see my daddy", "please mommy don't yell at him", "please mommy he is sorry", "please mommy he loves me and you" and through all that I did not hear his cry, I did not hear what he was saying. I heard my bitter mother and me in my head, I felt my pain, and I heard her anger, and through it all no one was listening to him... to my son. The little boy who wanted to know his daddy, who did not understand why his friend had his daddy at the first day of kindergarten but he could not.
See I do not blame my actions or my decisions on my mother, she was doing the best she could I assume, and no one held a gun to my head I could have listened to her but done what was right. But I didn't I listened to a bitter baby momma and I made my situation much much worse. So what I am saying to all of you is it does not matter, if it is your mother, grandmother, best friend, sister, cousin or next door neighbor. Take a step back and look at who is giving the advice and the advice they are giving; if you are talking to a woman or a man that never really resolved there baby momma or baby daddy situation, how can they really tell you what to do? If you are talking to someone that does not know where her childs father took there last ste let alone have a relationship with there kid.
I mean really if someone still gets that vein, popping up out there neck and they start pacing while they are "guiding" you then maybe they are not "guiding" you maybe they are tyring to get there vigilante justice they did not get all those years ago.
I know that there are going to be some pissed off mothers and grandmothers, at this chapter, but hold on ladies and let me say this to you. My grandmother, the woman who was married to her husband for 35 years before he died and that never had to be in this situation, told me "baby, you should have kept your legs closed, and you know that but now that the baby is here he needs to know his daddy he needs to know ALL of who he is, unless his daddy his a pervert then you need to call the church for that boy" lol Wow, now that I write this I realize that my granny was a mess...I miss you granny! So you see I am not discounting and guidance you get from anyone that cares enough to give it, but just remember just because someone is talking doesn't mean you have to act on it. sometimes is ok to......just listen.
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