My Story

I am the child of a fatherless home. I lived with a woman that got pregnant at 17 and gave birth before she had graduated from high school. I was the much loved granddaughter, and the over protected daughter of a very large family.

Now that you have a lead in, here it goes. I met my "babydaddy" the first day of high school in home room. I had never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy, never been on a date. I don't think that I even had that "feeling" about boys yet. You know that tingle you get in your "craw" when you see someone you are attracted to. So long story short after 4 years of swooning for him, and watching him date (complete trash in my opinion) all the other girls in school; and really have no interest in me what so ever, other than as a friend....maybe. Thinking that I would never feel this way again, you know all the drama that a 16 year old feels.

We graduated from high school and through our mom's came together and became a couple after all that time. I was on cloud nine, I "loved" him and he "loved" me. OK,stop right there, he loved me? PLEASE. I was a willing female that loved him he knew I loved him and what 17 year old boy in his right mind would turn that down. That was the first mistake that I made is making the assumption that he was in love because I was. We walk ourselves into pain sometimes ladies, would we want to be with a man that was just like I really just want to hit that? Or I am single right now with nothing to do so I will take your devotion,and heart and body....sure why not you are offering it? It would be some horny ass men walking around, or prostitutes that were billionaires.

No we would not have that so they, say what they have to and do what they have to and get into our minds, hearts and pants. We already know that; this is not new.

So I was in this relationship for 2 years with someone that I "loved" or at least I thought I "loved" him. First of all do we really know love at such an early age? This was my first boyfriend my first sexual arousal, I did not know what a relationship was, let alone "love". But I was convinced. Isn't that how it always is? We are so wrapped up in the "love" that we choose to ignore what is right in front of our face. How could I have been that "in love" I never really trusted him because of the way that I had been treated by him in high school. The things that I had heard him say about me and my appearance, I always felt like the relationship was questionable. I was on pins and needles trying so hard to be what he wanted and never really giving him a chance to know and love me because I knew that the me that I am was not who he liked or wanted. So I went on being "in love" Two years into the relationship we were fighting everyday, he was cheating on me with someone that worked for me. He avoided being with me as much as possible and when he was around me everything that I said was wrong. As first I was welcome and loved in his family, but at this point his mother dislikes me, his brother is disrespecting me, and his sister is lying on me to try to keep us fighting. But I am still holding on trying not to let go, even though I knew that this was not going to work, I knew that I was tired of trying to be someone else and I wanted to be me but I kept pushing to stay together. Then I was pregnant and he wanted me to have an abortion. I look back on that now, I think of how shocked I was that he could say that to me or do that to me and I wonder why? Why was I shocked? Look at our relationship, look at all that I have said. I realize I was not shocked, I was not even mad at him, I was made at me! Because I knew, I knew he did not love me, but I thought I can make him love me, I knew in my heart that he was cheating on me and who he was doing it with, but I told myself I can not leave until I have proof. I knew that his family knew he had a new girlfriend, and was already treating me like I was the ex. I knew.... so even though he hurt me, he broke my heart and used me,and made me feel like trash; he did nothing to me that I did not let him do to me. I did not love me enough to say I deserve better, and I want to be treated better.

With all that all that you read about him and I as a couple; does that make either one of us bad parents? Or does it just make us bad at relationships? Yet the relationship with us as women is what we usually base our decision on, what kind of parent the fathers of our children will be. Is that fair? I don't think it is, because if relationship decisions were what determines if we are going to be good parents I KNOW my son would not have come home with me when he was born. I know now as a mother and as a wife that I did love him, I did. I also know that I did not know really what that meant at the time. Yes he wronged me in so many ways, but it takes two.